I’ve Been Avoiding This Place
Posted By jayna on September 27, 2008
I am so grateful to have been able to get pregnant again right away. I remind myself everyday that being so sick is supposed to be reassuring, a sign that things are progressing in some way. But reminding myself of that doesn’t seem to be taking me very far through the day.
I spend my mornings dragging myself through E’s diaper change and breakfast. I collapse on the couch, ready for Disney to entertain her for an hour before I drag myself down to the floor to play for a while. Usually, there’s a glorious hour with renewed energy and void of puking, and that hour is jam packed with something fun and entertaining. Somehow, we get through till naptime, when I promptly pass out seconds after she does. I’ll get another glorious hour in the afternoon, just before I drag myself through dinner. We get the kid to sleep, and I promptly collapse on the couch.
I want to be grateful. I want to stop hating this. But I can’t seem to find it within myself. I curse the loss of the beautiful weather we should be enjoying. I curse the loss I’m taking with my business and not being able to work hardly ever. I curse my husband for thinking I must be fine because he doesn’t see more than the exhausted me at the end of the day. I curse our situation of not having a second car, so I could go in for an appointment and possibly get some relief and not worry about waking up at the butt crack of dawn to drive 60 miles extra, just so we could share the car that day.
I want to not whine about this. But I spend moments curled up with E and wonder what I’m doing. Worry that this was a bad idea. Worry that she would have been perfect for us – just her. Worry how I’m going to share attention, make her know I love her just the same. I worry that those moments we have are going to be gone when there is a needy infant around.
I feel guilty for even doubting this pregnancy thing, when so many would kill to see that plus sign.
But at the same time, I feel guilty knowing I’m going to turn my little girl’s world upside down.
I’ve been avoiding it here, in hopes I would be all done wanting to whine by the time I came back. I’m not. So, consider this a heads up. I have no idea when the whining will stop. Maybe when the puking does . . .
I’ve been puking so much that now, instead of just coming up behind me and giving kisses on my thighs, the kid clamors right up next to me and imitates every thing I do. Complete with retching noises and doubling over.
It’s really hard to laugh and puke at the same time.
Many thanks to everyone who has wanted to make sure I am still alive, well and somewhat okay. I truly appreciate knowing that you’re thinking about me :-)
Glad to see your still alive, Don't worry about weather you'll have enough love for two kids, that fact that you worry about it means that you will. Good luck in the next few weeks, and I hope you start to feel better soon.
Hey pal – having a second baby will be a great, great thing for E, and you may think now that there's no way you could share the love, but the way your heart expands to accomodate more love is awesome. Do not worry.
Well, if you can't whine here, where else can you do it? We are here for you.
Oh I feel your morning sickness pain. I hope you feel better soon, I know how miserable it is to be that sick and I cannot imagine doing it with a little one at home. The only thing that helped me when I was sick was medication (Ginger Ale and crackers did a whole lot of nothing). Let me know if you want more info on the meds.
Dude, I would so totally lend you Big Truck if you lived closer. The damn thing is totally in my way, and I still am confused as to how one man needs two vehicles.
This was one of your best posts ever, btw. And, it will get better. It will.
I'm totally terrified of feeling like as much crap as I did the first time around AND having a toddler to chase after, if and when we roll around to having a second baby. But I'm pretty sure it'll all be worth it in the end! It WILL get better! Soon there will be only laughing, no puking!
I was where you are now exactly two years ago. I swear that I can still repeat from memory some of the cartoons that my other two kids watched over and over again while I puked. It WILL get better.
Hang in there hon.