Shame On Me
Posted By jayna on August 27, 2009
I told the husband I was ashamed tonight.
Ashamed of his lack of a job. Ashamed of our living situation. Ashamed at feeling guilty for wanting to waste money on preschool and gymnastics for the toddler. Ashamed for enjoying every second of our summer togetherness. Ashamed at longing for a vacation and material things.
I told him how I struggle to keep that shame from creeping over to my feelings towards him.
It didn’t make me feel good, and I saw it cut deep for him.
But some things need to be said.
Two years ago I would have given anything to have him home, enjoying the summer with E and I. Watching her grow and seeing every milestone. Hearing them laugh together from silly noises. I sit and watch MJ sleep peacefully in my arms and remind myself of how lonely that year was. How pictures never were enough and words could never describe the joy of an infant. And here we are. Every day, together. Every giggle, every funny face, every new skill, he’s here to see them all. He’s here for every new word, every hug and every cuddle session with the toddler. And that should be good enough. That should be enough to pull us through these dark hours.
But it’s not.
For me, it’s not. And, I struggle.
I push back the shame every time someone new asks what the husband does. Every time someone we know asks how the job hunt is going. Every time I have to tell someone we live with my mother.
The joy of togetherness should carry us through.
And it will.
I just have to let it.
Let the joy and hope shine brighter than the shame and despair creeping up everyday.
It’s hard.
And I feel ashamed that it is so hard.
You are not the one who should be feeling shame. That should belong to those responsible for making sure that military personnel are able to find work after an honorable discharge, especially when that military has served in a war zone.
Hon don't let this drag you down like it is. What's important is that you're together! Everything will work out eventually but for now just hang on to what you havef :)
Big (((((hugs))))) mama!
I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this, and I admire you for being honest about your feelings. It truly is a shame that this country doesn't do more to make sure that the people who take care of it aren't treated better. I hope your situation improves soon!
(I have been clicking around your archives and getting caught up – I love your writing and the pictures of your girls (who are both GORGEOUS!))
Sending you light and love.
You should not be ashamed Hun, Everything happens for a good reason, at least your hubby is with his family and enjoying these moments with his kids and you. Stay strong and positive, have faith. Something good will come out of this.
Lots of love to you and your beautiful family:-)
X M
:( Love ya, J.