Where’s My Smiley Face At?
Posted By jayna on November 4, 2009
Doors. They’re starting to unlock and swing wide open. And here I sit, fiddling with the keys.
I woke up this morning to two very cranky girls who spent the night tossing and turning in my bed. One is just plain sick, the other has an ear infection to go along with her barking cough. I’ve spent the past few days clinging desperately to my sanity, as the toddler tests every last nerve I have and the baby practices torture on me in the form of severe sleep deprivation. I feel as though I haven’t slept in a month, and truly worry about how wise it really is for me to be on the road.
Thank goodness we have a nice, sturdy SUV and good insurance.
Over the past few days, I’ve called on every family member I could, just to make it till bedtime. My sister helped referee trick-or-treating. My father took E to gymnastics while I braved the pediatricians with MJ. And my mother has gone above and beyond to keep me from winding up rocking in a corner at the end of the day. From holding the crying baby to force feeding the ornery toddler, she has saved my ass again and again.
I would be insane to voluntarily leave my support system behind.
And yet, that is what looks to be behind doors number one, two and three. The husband is back in DC, interviewing with multiple companies. And it’s going good. Scary good. So good it has me wanting to cry, knowing we’re going to have to move away from all this too soon. Far away. Too soon. For so long, I couldn’t wait for the day to come when we’d pack up the car and head out again. To be in our own house, with our own things and our own family. And now, it just might happen. I won’t be able to make one call and have four people drop what they’re doing to help. I’ve become too spoiled by that.
I spent the past eleven months bitching about living with my mother and now I’m going to start bitching about not living with my mother.
I want my husband to have a job he enjoys, a job he’s good at and will stay with. I want our family to begin to grow as it should, without eggshells and second opinions. I want a home that is ours, for anyone to be free to visit. I do so want the normal life that comes with a normal job. But, dear Lord, I do not want to move away from what we have here. Crazy as everything may be at times, this is our home. Our families. Our girls’ grandparents. The place of ponies in Grandma’s backyard and swingsets at Grandpa’s. Sunday dinners and sleepovers for date nights. Our church, our friends, our history, our favorite places. It’s all here. And I’m not sure I’m ready to start over again.
And so, full of gloom and doom on another sleepless night, I wait. Wait on pins and needles for those doors to fully open and show us where our next beginning is.
Oh, I totally know what you're feeling. I've lived through that roller coaster many times with my husband and his job searches. It's a VERY scary thing to think about leaving the support system you've built up. xoxo
Oh. My. Sweet Lord. I know exactly where you're coming from. With twin two-year-olds and a newborn, I was in full-on freak mode. That first year was bat-shit crazy. But it started getting easier.
I've found that when you don't have a support system in place, you make one and adjust your schedule accordingly. You figure out what you can and can't do and don't do stuff that's impossible. Plus? Stepping out onto the front port and closing the door for a moment or two of quiet is totally allowed. The kids will live.
I wish you nothing but luck, hon, and wish I could help you. Because I would.
I'll be thinking of you all and praying for you. It's a scary unsure time. With the economy right now it's a blessing though that he's able to find a job. I know it can't be easy facing the possibility of leaving home at the same time. Hang in there!
Many prayers that you have the strenght to get through whatever it is that is headed your way and you know what? maybe just maybe the toddler might sleep/and eat when you guys are settled into your new place and the baby will sure love her space and you will get your sanity back. There is a big possibility of that kwim? So focus on the good things :)
No matter what happens, you'll make it work. You always do. You're good like that. :-)
Lots of good thoughts are coming your way. I have been on both sides of that equation, and know firsthand that while leaving a support system is incredibly hard, going your own way and figuring out that you are strong enough to get through anything is an awesome reward. It doesn't make leaving any easier, but it helps on those days when you are sure life has gotten the best of you.
good luck-it is hard not knowing, but it will all work out in the end.
I remember feeling exactly what you are feeling when I packed my children and my life and left everything I have ever known and moved 2500 miles away from the West Coast to the East Coast. It was hard, and I hurt, but I am making it, one day at a time.
You will too. You have an awesome support team. :)
Good luck!!