Yankee Drawl

Posted By jayna on November 29, 2010

I am so thankful that we have the means to make it back home as often as we do. We’ve been averaging one trip per month – which brings the total to 10 trips now, from Maryland to Ohio. I had thought that I would become a seasoned traveler over time, thinking nothing of schlepping the two kids all over these few states. And, while it’s true that I do think nothing of going somewhere, the actual trip part is really starting to wear on me. There hasn’t been a single uneventful drive yet. And, after doing the majority of these trips without the husband, I was overjoyed to have him chauffeur me around for this last one, on one of the busiest travel days of the year. I used my time as a passenger to the fullest, entertaining myself by keeping notes of every little thing along the way.

By far, it was the most entertaining ride I’ve had in a while.

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8:15 Wake up to screaming preschooler who clearly didn’t sleep enough last night. Sing hallelujah that she managed to wait so long before melting down.

9:15 Begin to realize that the husband’s projected leave time of 10am is, in fact, not going to happen.

9:30 Send husband on a wild errand to prolong the moodiness from delaying “must leave now” man time.

10:50 Attempt to load an SUV’s worth of crap into a compact car.

11:15 Admit defeat and consult husband. Finish wedging a giant guitar case into the back seat foot well.

11:30 Begin to round up cats. Thank the heavens that grandma has been distracting the girls for the last hour.

11:34 Find third and final cat in basement rafters.

11:45 Locate the vacuum cleaner.

11:46 Succeed in removing said cat from rafters and begin chase to complete other end of house.

11:48 Pry cat from underneath bed and safely shove into carrier.

11:52 Begin loading children into the car.

11:53 Screaming. Lots of screaming.

11:56 Attempt to catch a chicken one last time, in hopes of curbing the very bad attitudes in the back seat.

11:57 Fail.

12:05 Pull out the driveway. 2 hours and 5 minutes after original time.

12:07 Don child sized sparkly tiara in order to make husband laugh and stop being so cranky.

12:09 Succeed in not only making the husband laugh, but in causing two plaid-wearing rednecks in a pickup truck to nearly break their necks at the spectacle as they drive by.

12:32 Listen to husband talk about gutting a deer. Feign interest as he marvels about the way organs are held inside.

12:42 Hand Ziploc bag of popcorn to preschooler.

12:43 Open said bag of popcorn after a full minute of whining from the able bodied preschooler.

12:45 Popcorn. Everywhere.

1:23 Rejoice that we aren’t traveling in the opposite direction after passing 3 miles of a standstill in the other lanes.

2:27 Wait 8 minutes to pee, 4 minutes to change a diaper and 11 minutes for coffee. Hear that the turnpike becomes nearly impassible further along.

2:29 Load back into the car with incredible sense of doom.

2:47 Traffic. Oh, holy hell, the traffic.

2:53 Stopped in traffic.

3:08 Still stopped. Much stopping.

3:09 Executive decision from the navigator. Exiting turnpike. Country roads and a dash of hope.

3:12 Pass a gaggle of camo clad men on the side of the road, shooting targets.

3:15 Husband starts to wonder where I’m taking us as the roads get smaller and much curvier.  Cue the stereotypes and mocking, backwoods accents.

3:17 More hunters in camo on the side of the road, shooting targets.

3:22 Abandoned mine. Start feeling the car make an odd lurching motion and look worriedly at the husband, who cracks a joke about being stranded in the middle of nowhere.

3:23 Begin questioning the executive decision.

3:25 More camo clad hunters on the side of the road. (Really, now, can we honestly call them hunters if the target doesn’t move and they are 5 feet from their car?)

3:36 Top of a mountain. Wheeee!!!!

3:45 Signs pointing towards a familiar landmark, complete with public restrooms.

3:53 Park in front of a massive waterfall, listening to the husband’s stories of near death experiences in a kayak on that river.

3:54 Turn the bundled up children loose and stand ready to keep them from plummeting into the icy water as they crash through the railing from running like maniacs that have been cooped up in a car for four hours.

4:12 Back in car. Much protesting despite frozen hands and toes.

4:23 Return to civilization, turning on to a real paved road that has an actual name.

4:44 Enter into a heated debate over nutritional qualities of the McRib sandwich. Stand ground that there are negative qualities, actually.

4:58 Hear the first “I’m hungry” and hand over the popcorn again.

5:06 “I’m hungry.” Banana.

5:12 “I’m hungry.” More popcorn.

5:19 “I’m hungry.” Wonder where the hell is an exit with FOOD!

5:40 Officially all starving. Still no sign of food.

5:42 Truck stop! Or . . . not.

5:44 Aaaaaannd . . . traffic. Holy hell, the traffic. And the starvation.

5:58 Thinking of all the new swear words to combine with traffic. Creeping along at 10 mph.

5:59 The husband entertains himself by turning the seat heater on high to see if I notice. I did.

6:00 The words “they are being so good” come out of the husband’s mouth. Consider kicking him as he jinxes the rest of the trip.

6:01 Exit the freeway. Again. Throwing caution to the wind and all that. We’ve become scavengers desperately in search of food.

6:24 Angel singing and heavens parting as we’ve found a Panera!!!

7:10 Full bellies, piling back in car. Sleepy children and sweet silence.

7:30 Still silent. Perhaps the husband didn’t jinx the kids after all.

7:46 Miraculously get dumped back onto the freeway 1/10 mile past three lanes of stopped traffic, all exiting south towards DC. Fate and a missed turn lead to a  fast moving freeway.

7:51 Entering hour 4 of Sid the Science Kid playing. Santa is definitely on call for new DVDs.

8:03 Realize that we are actually going to make it home really, really, really soon. Rejoice. Husband comments again on how good the kids have been.

8:16 Remind the husband to get off at right exit. He doubts that it’s the right exit. Miss the exit. The right exit.

8:17 Kid 1 starts screaming.

8:18 Kid 2 starts screaming.

8:34 Pull into our driveway after taking the long route from the freeway and realize that we get to do this entire trip over again in 3 weeks.

Categories: She Writes!
Tags: 30 Days of Thankfulness